Usually I’d be writing stuff like this from the receiving end of pain, explain how my demons torment me, how my past lurks in the shadows, waiting for the slightest of opportunities to drag me into a state torture and agony, or how I face another potential relapse and cut myself off from the world around me. However, that’s not the case today, instead the scripts have changed and I’m here to point out the fact that i’m not always the victim, but sometimes the attacker himself.
Don’t get me wrong or anything, it’s not a confession to a mass murder or any of the sort, but instead, I wanted to know what people experience when they cause pain to others, not physical pain that is. However, have you ever had someone trust you so much that they’d potentially risk it all for you, someone who’d give anything to be around you, someone who sees you as their happy place? And then you just shatter them, break them like they meant nothing to you. A part of you is unconscious of this of course, yet another part of you is, it’s complicated to explain but in simple terms, your conscious self has outweighed the possibilities of certain actions being a potential threat to your relationship with that person, yet how big of a threat it is still lies in the unconscious side of your brain, you think it’s easily avoidable and you can fix it when needs be.
Truth is, it’s not avoidable. Honesty is a strong term, one that holds a lot of value to both individuals, and once this simple rule cannot be followed your foundation cracks until it breaks. But this is not the point of my conversation. Instead, what hurts is you watching everything they believed in die in-front of them. Their respect for you, their loyalty to you, their honesty, THEIR TRUST. It all goes with them. It’s a struggle for them ( how can it not be). You can see the pain in their eyes, hear it in their voice and feel it in your heart. It’s a different kind of hurt knowing that you had the potential to do such to someone, everything changes for you. Your heart slowly leaks by the day like it was hung upside down and whatever life that’s left from it is being drained.
You start to question whether what you said to them was even real, whether you really are the nice guy you claimed to be, or a monster in disguise, nothing makes sense at this point other than the emptiness you feel, the distance growing ever further, their trust slowly vanishing, and all of a sudden nothing feels natural anymore. Not even your apology. Well I’ve hurt someone before, and the forgiveness I seek is not theirs apparently, but my own, and I think I’m struggling to forgive myself for my own actions, because sometimes I don’t even recognise who I’m looking at when I stand in the mirror. Does it get easier? No, it get’s worse knowing you’re capable of such, because at some point you come to the realisation that to them it was all practically a lie, as much as it wasn’t for you, look at from their perspective. You were the giver of light and now the destroyer of it.
What are you?!
Hhhmmm, maybe I’ve turned into my own demons.
So, im not even close to being perfect, in fact I'm further than I thought.
Comments