Being consoled by death but suffering from Depression.

You are only able to comprehend depression when you realise that you are comfortable with the idea of death. Once you feel that your existence holds extraordinarily little emphasis in the world. However, do we even appreciate depression and what it feels like? Do we fully understand its significance? We often confuse one’s lifestyle with depression and attach certain emotions and physical behaviours with depression. of course, not all of this is false, but one could argue that it is.

I do not know how many times I have been told that I was a depressed teenager because of the way I presented myself. Apparently having an attachment to the colour black means you’re depressed, listening to certain music and seeing comfort in sitting in a dark room means you’re depressed as well, all that was missing was for me to cry myself to sleep every single night and wear black makeup and heck I’d be on the edge of depression. However, Depression is something that tends to go unnoticed most of the time. Depression is a sense of being numb unceasingly. Your emotions are on hold and so is your life. The reason I say this is because I was indeed a depressed teenager, yet no one seemed to realise it. Yes, some people called me depressed, but for the wrong reasons.

Being depressed wasn’t the biggest issue though, it was having to get up every single morning and greeting people with a smile on my face, having to pretend to laugh at thoughtless jokes and having to act like I enjoyed socialising with others. Having to create a false reality for others to please them but hiding the actual reality, it was a demanding way of living, exhausting one could say. I was okay with the state I was in though, I had learned to make peace with my demons, I had learned to isolate my spiritual self from reality but keep my physical self in a state that people would regard as “normal” just to please them.

My silence seemed to comfort me, I thought it was a beautiful thing. Yes, depression was a beautiful thing for me. Like it was the only thing that truly understood and appreciated every essence of my own existence. Yet it is something you are unable to tame. It has no boundaries and does not work on your terms and conditions but rather its own. Like a wildfire in the middle of a rain forest, it spreads with absolute violence and intensity, obliterating anything that stands in its way. "Who are you to stand in its way?"

You eventually find comfort in the thought of death because at this point death is not the uppermost loss in your life, the biggest loss you could ever experience is losing a part of yourself, it’s what no longer exists inside of you throughout your life and living with it seems ravaging, the pain is unbearable and you are no longer able to tame your own thoughts. Everything seems pointless and the only thing that seems to make sense in your life is death. You try so hard to get rid of what you are feeling but in the end it doesn’t even matter. You feel that you have fallen way to deep and you have lost everything. its like you are trapped in your own body, your own mind and death hugs you just like a mother were to hug her new born child. I do not think I’ve ever been so deceived in my life that I would find comfort in Death. There is no comfort in depression, but there is undeniably no comfort in death either. However, there is a way out!

_All that we do is Pretend.