DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT THE SPACE FOR YOU TO RAISE AN OPINION.
I sit in my room and close my eyes and imagine a world where I try not to run from my own thoughts, I fool myself by not listenning to them and beliveing that they have no control over me, they look at me with a grin on their face, becuase the reality is that I am fooled in believing that I am even in control. My thoughts disguise themelves in what I wish to see, a perfect reflection of myself, until one day they decide to remind me who's actually in control.
lately I've been shown a side that I thought I would never see, a side where I've ignored my heart, muted my emotions, ignored my commitments and focused on myself and the demons that haunt me, and I have discovered that I am actually at peace, I find myself at ease with my monsters, I can actually control them just as much as they can control me. They conversate with me, they make me see what I usually ignore, they expose the true scars that I fear the most. Although these monsters urge on making these scars even worse, I have come to the realistaion that they actually are not able to do so unless I let them in.
(MY DEMONS ALWAYS TALK TO ME BUT MY ANGELS NEVER MAKE A SOUND)
For so long I have realised that I have been dependant of others to help me get through my own problems, and the issue is that no one is ever able to comprehend the amount of pain that you find yourself going through, no one is ever able to fully grasp the amount of discomfort that I face when I say 'I am not okay'. Yet, that makes me think. I have been waiting for someone to handle everything for me, I have been asking on someone to uplift me from the agony that I constantly find myself in, but not even once have I ever asked myself if that someone is even listening to me or if that someone even exists. For a momonet I was in strong belief that Heaven existed and that it just wasn't made for me, I was in belief that maybe I wasn't fit enough to reap the benefits that were promised to me. However, I have noticed that such just does'nt exist. A lot of people will disagree with me but I have my reasons as to why I believe that we're all alone on this earth, and that is becuase I've never seen the benefits of this so called god, and it's just another name to me.
If you knew me, you would judge me for all these mistakes, but the realitty is that those who know me don't even know all the demons I've faced, becuase for me all the smiles that 'he' would give were fake, to the point where I even questioned my own worth, to a point where I believed that sinners like me don't even find forgiveness in a church these days. I've tried to speak to god but he has not given me an answer, honestly he made me feel like being dead was the better option because it wouldnt hurt no more, yet some days I feel that I should swallow my pride, where I should just have faith and finally believe that he's alive, yet I am reminded that I am a human being, and one of the biggest mistakes that we continuously make is that we always hold on to those who just promise us lies and this has taught me that the things that we think help us breathe can also make us drown. I guess he just could'nt see how much I needed him. I guess my heart just fails to work like before, I think i've just gotten to a stage where I've stopped hoping for more.
However, the biggest mistake that I have ever made is trying to accomadete others before I am able to even accomadate myeslf, I have continuously apologised for being a person that no one understands, and just becuase of that difference, poeople start to question why I'm damaged. Yet, people foeget that they don't know my secrets, they don't know my scars so why the fxck are you even speaking. From the moment that I noticed this, it is clear that I am no longer invisible whenever I stand in the mirror, I am not a relfction of what people wish of me. nor a reflection of what I am expected to be just becuase a certain someone said so. I am done apologising to people who think the world owes them an explanation, the only explanation you need to know is that you live for nobody but yourself, so never waste your time trying to be the best version of what people project on you, as we all face the same destiny at the end of the day, death is innevitable and many people forget that and find themslves chasing the most outrages things you could possibly concieve of.
I FELL INLOVE WITH MYSELF INFORNT OF A BROKEN MIRRROR.
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