I don’t really know where to go from here, I feel like I’m out of touch with myself, out of touch with the world. It’s easy to smile in front of those you call friends, family, and lovers. It’s easy to convince them that you’re ‘OKAY’. In fact, you eventually convince yourself that you are indeed okay. It reaches a point where you actually find comfort within your own darkness than the light that is provided to you by those around you, you find comfort in your own thoughts, your dreams, your nightmares, and your emotions. They carry you as gently as the wind carries a fallen leaf on an autumn day. They feed your desires, and keep you from the troubles of the world, they keep you locked up in your room, where it’s no one else but you. Funny enough, I actually enjoy it. A million people will tell me such behavior is unhealthy, that it’s bad for me, “it’s toxic”, as they would say.
I’d like to say that it’s not, I let myself think in order to build myself, I let myself feel in order to heal from that pain and I lock myself not only in my room, but in my own mental state in order to walk out an even bigger person than I was when I had just walked in. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE PURPOSE OF THIS? No? Well, It’s basically a reset button. I let myself revisit what has happened throughout the months that have passed, sometimes even years, not to hurt myself but to heal myself, to redefine myself, to remind myself how salient my own existence is on the face of this planet. This is different from fighting my demons and it is different from standing up to them as well. That’s a stage I’ve overcome, (so I’d like to believe)
However, I’ve been exposed to so much agony and discomfort that I’ve learned to find comfort in how I react to pain (I have not become numb to pain, that’s impossible) I have simply learned how to embrace it, I have learned to acknowledge its importance, it’s mere existence and how it affects me. You pick up a few things after you’ve lost sight of things that you used to see clearly, and lost touch of those you used to love dearly. The discomfort of such a feeling is somewhat unimaginable, yet I have managed to find comfort within it at the same time. I’ve learned to Synchronize my inner pain with my exterior happiness in order to balance my own mental state. I’m not saying I’m okay, I’m far from that, but I’m at peace with not being okay, I’m at peace with blocking the rest of the world out of my own space, I’m at peace with being left alone and I’m at peace with living within my nightmares. For I have learned to love them, in fact I have fallen for them, and they love me back.
After reading this, I gave it some thought, maybe I do know where I’m going, I guess I just needed to write it down in order to get some clarity.
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